


dagger through my heart

by doubletan



Category: Doctrine of Labyrinths - Sarah Monette
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Anal Sex, Child Abuse, Dubious Consent, M/M, Masochism, Oral Sex, Pre-Canon, Rough Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-09
Updated: 2019-08-09
Packaged: 2020-08-13 12:20:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20174158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doubletan/pseuds/doubletan
Summary: Felix's early years in Arabel.





	dagger through my heart

**Author's Note:**

> _heart and dagger: the heart symbolizes love and a person's inner-most desire, while the dagger can symbolize death, destruction, and betrayal. put these two images together and you have the ultimate symbol of heartache, love betrayed, or personal sacrifice. _

_He loves me._

Even as he thrusts hard, my face pressed against the duvet. The darkness, the lack of air. _Kethe, I'm drowning-_

Somebody pulls my head up, and though it hurts with his hand in my hair, I'm able to get air into my lungs.

This ain't- _isn't _the Sim, I remind myself. This isn't Keeper. The panic in my heart eases. Malkar wouldn't let me drown.

"Well," Malkar drags my head closer to him as he purrs in my ear. "What was that all about darling?"

I freeze up, and the next pound of his hips hits me painfully. I shiver, but he does not comment on it like he usually does.

"I expect an answer." He punctuates it with another thrust.

"It isn't anything important," I say, the tone wavering.

"Felix," his voice gone hard as stone. "Say it."

My hands begin to shake in their place against the bed. "Please Malkar. It ain't something-"

His hand tightens, whether from my disobedience or my slip into the Simside colloquialism or both.

"Are you going to defy me Felix?"

I shake my head frantically. I been punished enough. "Can I tell you after...after this?"

"_Now, _dearest." I feel a tingle in my bones, the threat of the obligation de sang that is Malkar's reminder that I would obey if I want to or not.

I tremble involuntarily. "Yes Malkar," I whisper.

As he continues to fuck me against the bed, I speak of Keeper, of the Sim and drowning, only interrupted by my own stuttering gasps and moans. The words forced out of me as if Malkar had placed a compulsion.

When it finally ends, he bends over to run his fingers through my hair, thumb and forefinger rubbing against my ear on its way down. "Was it so difficult for you to tell me?"

I cannot answer, and thankfully Malkar doesn't seem to be looking for one as he leans forward and kisses me as gently as he can be.

It was silly of me to assume that speaking of my past with Keeper warrants a place out of the bedroom in the first place, and I apologize in the only way I know. I roll my tongue over his, grind my hips against him, and I'm rewarded by how Malkar's cock has begin to stir once more.

I fall to the floor, one hand coming up to hold my cheek where the sharp edge of Malkar's ring had cut against it.

"I thought I trained you well enough not to speak like that." Malkar says. He cock his head to the side. "I guess a Pharohlight whore is always going to be one."

I feel myself flinch, and I stumble back onto my feet. I look at my hand. It comes away red.

Picking up the chair that had fallen with me, I sit back down.

"What's the right word for it, darling?"

I look down at my shaking hands in my lap, my eyes stinging as much as the cut on my face. "A week," I choke out.

"Oh don't be melodramatic Felix." He rubs the tears off my face with his thumb, tilting my chin up to meet his eyes. Light brown, clear and open like glass.

"This hurts me as much as it hurts you, my dearest."

I nod, because it's better to believe him than not.

"Hestrand wants you over tonight." Malkar says, as casual as discussing the weather.

I look up, and my expression must have shown clearly on my face, for he curls his fingers in my hair in some form of comfort. "You know I don't have a choice darling."

_I know, _I want to say, but how do I explain to Malkar that it makes me feel like I'm in Pharohlight all over again when all I want is to leave my past behind me?

I can already imagine his derisive laughter, that mocking cruel knife of a smile. _Oh darling, what makes you think you can ever wash the filth off? You will always reek of it._

And so I keep silent, which Malkar takes for obedience. It pleases him, obedience always pleases him, and as a reward he presses a kiss to my forehead.

He pats my cheek. "Perk up my dear. Hestrand is doing us a favor here," he reminds me.

"Yes, Malkar." I say by reflex alone.

The slap comes, sharp and clear.

I arch my back off the table, a moan falling from my lips.

His hands cup my stinging bottoms and I tremble. "You sound just like a slut," he says, pulling me down to the floor mercilessly, and I tumble to the floor in a bundle of limbs, dazed and achingly hard.

Malkar looks at me appraisingly. "It seems that this isn't even a punishment for a whore like you," he says scathingly. "On your knees."

I scramble into position, my mouth already open in earnest.

Malkar hums his approval, and something warm glows in my chest. I am prepared when he fists his hands in my hair to pull me towards him, the strain against my scalp painful to the point of pleasure.

It goes down the back of my throat, but I have been trained long enough not to gag. Malkar does it rough and relentlessly, undoubtedly a tarquin in his habitat.

"This is clearly your expertise." I hear Malkar say. "Your mouth when it's put to it's best use."

A foul feeling rises in me that is not unlike the black waters of the Sim, and at the same time, so does glowing pride. And I hate myself all the more when my cock twitches at the praise, insult, or just plain fact which serves only to prove Malkar's words right once more.

He pulls out, pushes me to the ground and enters me without ceremony.

It hurts in the way I deserve and in the way I like it, and I don't think I'll ever be able to differentiate between the two.

He pins my hands above my head with one hand, the momentum of his thrusts driving me against the ground again and again. I can feel the burn forming on my back as it chafes against the floor, and a similar heat pools low in my belly.

"Exquisite," Malkar says, his other hand trailing across my face. I shudder, his touch leaves tendrils of fire behind on my skin.

"When I first saw you at Pharohlight," his voice is silky smooth, with that glint in his eyes which means he is going to hurt me one way or another. "I knew you were special."

My eyes flutter shut. Against my will, I feel myself lean into his words, feel myself grow warm like a moth inching closer to the flame even as I wait for the other shoe to drop.

"And that's why I bought you from that slum, trained you, taught you how to act as something more than the slut that you are, _and yet_," he thrusts so hard I keen and squirm against his hand binding me still, "you embarrass me in front of my friends by talking like a cheap whore."

"I'm sorry." I'm babbling and I cannot stop. "I'm sorry, Malkar. I didn't mean to-"

The blow knocks my head to the side, and my vision goes black for a moment.

"Shut up Felix." He growls, and I bite on my lip hard enough to taste blood before I let the whimper escape me.

He wraps his hand around my cock and my body jerks itself instinctively into it. "So responsive still," he drawls. His lips edge up into a mocking smile._ Slut, _it says.

Shame colors me, but my hands are held tight and I cannot hide my face.

His fingers moves roughly and perfunctorily, carving my orgasm out of me. I go limp, my entire body surging with heat, and Malkar fucks me through it until he reaches his as well.

The release seems to have bled his anger away, for the next time he looks at me his face softens.

He touches my stinging cheek. This time there is no pain behind it.

"I love you my dear," he says. "I just wish you were a more capable student." _I wish you weren't so stupid._

I nod numbly. Besides Joline, Malkar is the only one who loves me, who will love me, who somehow still loves me even with all my deficiencies. And all I have done is hurt him, the realization comes like a dagger to my heart.

I deserve the punishment, deserve the pain he inflicted that has already faded to a dull throb, and I'll keep taking it if it means he will continue to love me.

"I love you too Malkar." The words tumble out of me before I realize, but they are no less true.

Malkar smiles, like a cat who has the mouse caught in its paw, and I ignore the alarm bells that ring in my head.

He leaves me on the cold floor, sore and bruised.

I curl my knees to my chest, half-strangling myself as I sob so I won't make a single sound that might anger Malkar again.

_He loves me. He loves me._

**Author's Note:**

> [tumblr](https://doubletan.tumblr.com/)
> 
> im super glad im on break, because i didn't get much sleep binge reading this series, and then when i was finally done i thought i could catch some rest, i dream of felix and mildmay consistently for the past few days...and so here's a short fic to hopefully expel the feels away (begone!!!)
> 
> tbh although it was pretty short it must be the longest time i took to finish it because it's my first time writing for a book fandom, in first person pov and it's a different writing style i guess,,, im just super nervous about this lol because i only read the series once and im just frantically referencing between all the four books in hopes it's accurate ;-;
> 
> also i love felix very very much


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